I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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