please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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