I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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