I have demons in me.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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