just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
