oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
