Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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