at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Randomize
