3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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