I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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