If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
