She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
