so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You took a bar mat shot.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize