alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Randomize
