You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
