The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
