Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We're using joints as your birthday candles
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
