i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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