Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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