1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
