I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You need Xanax blowdarts
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
