Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
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You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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