I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i think i have herpe
just one?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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