My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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