So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
