Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
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She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
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What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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