That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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