Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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