After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
