Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We're too hungover to prance.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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