I'm eating all of the evidence.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
