He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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