Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
