So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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