drunk tastebuds have low standards.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
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i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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