phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
