I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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