so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
