I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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