My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.