This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
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We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"