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• (806): View more from Texas

  This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.

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• (812): View more from Indiana

  The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Ah, my reputation precedes me.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this

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• (318): View more from Louisiana

  Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.

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  27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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• (914): View more from New York

  If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.

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• (518): View more from New York

  We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer

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• (850): View more from Florida

  I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.

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  These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS

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• (408): View more from California

  I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired

  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"

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