words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP