When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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