Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Randomize
