Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
