listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
