Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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