shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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