Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
