John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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