Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
