John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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