woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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