I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
