I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
