We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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