Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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