Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
