In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
