Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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