I think I won the penis lottery.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
