I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Randomize
